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Rain-Induced Rambling

So I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s been raining cats and dogs in L.A. all week.  By that, I do mean every day of the week since Sunday, which is pretty darn amazing and quite frankly abnormal.  And we’re not talking about some paltry drizzling here and there; sometimes it really pours down in sheets.  I haven’t seen this much rain since Virginia.

Not that I’m complaining, of course.  In case you hadn’t noticed (especially in some of my older entries), I love love looooove rain.  I grew up in rain – lots and lots of it.  Tropical thunderstorm rain, sunshowers upon sunshowers, mudprint art on the pavement for a brief spell before the next torrent of rain, banana leaf umbrellas, mud tackle football and soccer in the rain, walking home from school barefoot (shoes tend to get useless after the first five minutes of trekking through ankle-deep mud puddles), family piano concerts in the pitch-black darkness during thunderstorm power outages, and an occasional exciting jolt from some poor lightening-struck tree out by the soccer field next to my house.

During monsoon season, the first thing my friends and I did after school was peel off our shoes and head straight for the field.  Nobody ever said, “Let’s go play in the rain!” because duh, what else would you do on a fantastic stormy afternoon?  Three hours later, we would all slosh home to a warm dinner, and come back the next day to do pretty much the same thing.  In retrospect, I feel bad for our moms and pembantus who had to mop up our watery trails through the house and launder our muddy clothes.  But man, those were some happy times.

Imagine my shock (and disgust) when I first moved to the States and had my first COLD rainfall.  Ugh.  But I did learn to appreciate it more once I discovered that I tend to be so much more productive (especially in the journaling/writing/baking/knitting department) when it rains, regardless of temperature.  I guess God was trying to teach me I can’t go play out in the rain all the way into my sixties (although I tell you, I will probably try).

Speaking of God, I think He likes rain, too.  What a useful thing.  In the Bible, it stands for both disaster and blessing.  We all know Genesis has Him wiping out mankind (minus Noah & Co.) with forty days of rain.  Ezekiel has torrents of rain falling with destructive fury at the wrath of the Lord.  Matthew talks of rain that pours down upon the house built upon a rock, then upon the house that fell with a great crash.  There are also storms scattered throughout the Testaments, from the one that had Jonah thrown overboard and the figurative ones across the Psalms, to the one that was rebuked into silence and, of course, the violent ones weathered by that persevering man Paul.

But then again there’s good, sweet rain.  The kind that falls to quench and nourish a parched land.  Many times God withholds rain at a time when it is much needed.  The funny thing about this type of rain is that you sort of assume it’s coming until it…doesn’t.  You rely on patterns, on previous experiences.  And you hold out for a bit thinking you can get through it until it becomes apparent that you can’t because…because…you’re just a thirsty, weepy human with small hands.  So what do you do?  You ask for some mighty big Hands to open up the skies and wave Him your umbrella for emphasis.

Someone told me the other day that it always rains a lot in SoCal after an especially bad season of fires.  Somehow, that makes a lot of sense to me at the moment.  And…this entry does not.  Hm.  But I’m too confused and tired and sick to properly wrap up my thoughts.  So…mm…let’s see.  It’s raining a lot here, I like rain, God likes rain, and rain comes down in droves after fire (why droves, you ask?  because…well…cats and dogs…).

Yeah.

Twenty-Ten

Dear New Year,

Please be gentle with me.

Sincerely,
The Weepy Human formerly known as The Cold, Cruel, Heartless Machine

Oh my Lord…what a week… o_O

It began with a visit from an old elementary-to-high-school friend from Aussieland, reminiscing of good old times and trying to wrap my mind around the idea that my childhood friend has a wife (A WIFE!!).  Then there was the UVa crew and some great (and exhausting) karaoke fun.  A mad last-minute dash to send off the last of the East-bound packages and attempting to reclaim my room from Santa’s elves and their ribbons/boxes/tissue paper/packages/more ribbons/cards/tape/wrapping paper, a mad last-minute dash at work to get everything – and by everything, I mean EVERYTHING – done before leaving for the holidays while also planning/co-hosting an office Cookie Share, squeezing in yet another grad school application somewhere, picking up the Gentleman Friend at the airport on very possibly the worst day to be anywhere near the airport (everyone please remember this is L.A. and it was two days before Christmas right about the time every Angelino in the city got out of work to commence executing their holiday escape plan…and who says I don’t like this guy?? *insert very angry face here*), then realizing on my way home that I picked up Mr. Bundle-of-Energy instead of the Gentleman Friend.  Really.  Because by this time I was quite half-dead.

Can you blame me?  Pause for a breath, aaand…

Many many many episodes of Glee, yet another old friend in town to meet up with, dinner at the L.A. Grandmother’s, Christmas Eve service, the brilliant Brother and Boyfriend who decided to haul me off to another K-town karaoke session at MIDNIGHT, opening presents among which I found a couple of ridiculously cute piggies (oh why oh why are they so round? ahahaha…), some fantastic Buca di Beppo calamari, more episodes of Glee, one more (you’d better believe it) karaoke night, being pretty darn sure at this point that we are karaoke-ed out for the year, finally squeezing in some time to study, hopping to and from 3 different movie theaters before settling down at last to watch Sherlock Holmes (word, what a terrific movie!), NOT going to karaoke for the third night in a row, church morning, Korean music videos on Youtube, comparing notes on past drama (not my idea, eh-hem), and one final trip to the airport before coming home to pass out.

Phew.  And I thought I was tired before.  As predicted, I awoke the next morning aching in every corner of my body and with dark, dark circles under my eyes despite having slept something close to 12 hours…and proceeded to go to work.  It’s the price you have to pay for having too much fun at once.

Oh right.  Before I go, I thought I might share some of my Christmas loot here:

 

 

A huge bottle of overpriced but completely wonderful stuff. From the Brother. ^^

 

 

The Estin jacket. Well, ONE of us is working hard to get my winter wardrobe started again...

 

 

 

Subscription to the New Yorker!! *^^* It suffices to say my boss loves me. And now I can start growing brain cells instead of losing them.

 

Merry Christmas, everyone! ^___________^

P.S. THAT, Mr. Gentleman Friend Dude, is called WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION.  More than anyone ever wants to know.  Thank you.

…my brother knows how to make my day.

 

He sent me this picture:

AND I REALLY JUST CAN’T STOP GIGGLING

Timing

As a good number of people might guess, this past year hasn’t really done much for my self-esteem. You’re talking about the frowzy girl with dark circles constantly under her eyes who is breaking out across her forehead from stress and trying really hard to think coherently (not even bothering with trying to sound intelligent anymore – coherent works fine for now) through the haze of emotional, mental, and physical fatigue. I do hope to escape being that girl sometime very soon, but for the time being it’s still a bit of a recurring problem.

So I went up to Portland this weekend to visit the boyfriend. It was a gorgeous, clear (although mind-numbingly cold) day, so we decided to drive out toward the mountains one afternoon – you know, great view, fresh air, etc. Halfway up toward Mt. Hood, the topic of conversation was insecurity…about my recent battles with the wretched beast and generally how I’ve been feeling pretty unattractive and unsociable and unintelligent lately, about how I’ve never actually struggled with something quite like this before (except maybe back in the seventh grade?), and I can’t believe how much it actually bothers me that it bothers me, along with how the boyfriend, not knowing what to do with this new, baffling Esther with girly insecurities, hasn’t been enough of a fawning boyfriend, ahahahahaha…and yes, my insecurities were helping me understand my fellow sisters in an entirely new way, but gee, it still was kinda rough to be waking up to a wince-inducing face in the mirror every morning or barely being able to finish the Monday crossword puzzle even though it might all just be in my mind, etcetera, etcetera.

In the middle of this conversation, I had to use the bathroom, so we pulled over at a tiny gas station where he waited in the car and I stepped inside to find a bathroom (plus get a bottle of water). This is what happened:

Esther (looks around, doesn’t see a bathroom anywhere): Um, excuse me. I was hoping to use the bathroom around here? Could you tell me where it is?
Guy behind the counter: Well…(looks critically at Esther) We’re supposed to tell people that we don’t have a bathroom, because it’s only for employee use. But you know (crosses arms and leans back), for pretty girls I can always make an exception.
*pause*
Esther (nervously): Er…do I count? (points to herself)
Guy behind the counter: Here, it’s right this way (shows a very relieved Esther to the nice bathroom hidden in the back).

Two minutes later, Esther comes out of the bathroom, picks up a bottle of water, and is paying for it, when the guy starts making conversation again.

Guy behind the counter: So…where do you get nice-looking boots like those?
Esther (looks down at her gray knee-high boots): Oh, these? You’d have to get them in LA.
Guy behind the counter: LA? So I guess you’re just passing through, huh? Not from around here?
Esther: No.

His friend at the other cash register starts laughing, and Esther notices for the first time that the guy behind the counter looks genuinely disappointed. Then it finally dawns on her slow, slow mind what’s been happening this whole time. So when he asks what she’s visiting Portland for, she tells him she’s visiting her boyfriend, thanks, and bye!

Outside, Esther gets into the car with her mouth twitching, and – half a block down the road – busts out laughing. The puzzled boyfriend wants to know what’s so funny. So she tells him what happened in the convenience store, and he listens quietly until she gets to the part where she pointed to herself and asked, “Do I count?” then he starts hollering, “OMG YOU WERE FLIRTING BACK YOU WERE TOTALLY FLIRTING WITH HIM I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WERE FLIRTING WITH THE GAS STATION GUY OMG!”

At this point Esther is wiping off tears from her face from laughing so hard and her insecurities are cured for the day.

The End.

I am so smart. S-M-R-T.

Famous line from Homer Simpson.  Not my favorite Simpson, but if I were to quote Lisa instead, I’d be saying something about not enough synonyms and losing my perspicacity…which doesn’t have quite the same effect.

I’ve been having some sleeping problems.

It started out with not being able to sleep – waking up intermittently throughout the night, waking up as soon as my 4-hour quota was up.  I knew it was just what my body was used to after the trying circumstances of the past year.  It was like my mind knew I didn’t have to stay up anymore, but my body somehow missed the memo.  I tried everything from sleeping pills to exercise to wine (had a near encounter with AA at the rate I was going), and as it turns out all it took was a blessed retreat and some peace of mind to….reverse the problem.

Virtually overnight, I went from insomniac to narcoleptic.  I began to sleep and couldn’t stop.  Correction: still can’t stop.  I would go to work, come back, and pass out immediately after dropping my bag on the floor.  This went on for many days.  Even worse, when I woke up from 14-15 hours of sleeping, I didn’t feel refreshed at all.  Instead, I felt and looked even more tired than before.  By now I don’t even get startled anymore at the sight of the drawn face with dark circles under the eyes every time I spot myself in the mirror.  Thought it was something wrong with my body, so I went to the doctor.  After running some blood tests, he told me that I’m fine.  Not even anemic.

SO WHY IS IT I CAN’T STOP SLEEPING??  *heaves a gigundous sigh*  Actually, that’s not my real beef today (or else the entry title might have read something like “Narcoleptic Argentinians Unite” – at which Amy, I’m sure, is the only one laughing her head off while the rest of you are questioning my ethnicity…or sanity…or both…)

No, my problem is that I feel like the sleeping problems are messing with my head.  I can’t think straight lately.  I’m always tired, always sleepy, feeling weak, and generally have a hard time focusing.  Sometimes my words won’t come out right, and sometimes I drop whatever I’m holding in my hand if I don’t remind myself that I’m holding something.  Worst yet, I can’t think coherently enough to write a decent essay for my grad school applications.  And they say I’m supposed to sound intelligent.  Put your best foot forward.  Express your real self in your essay.  It’s your one chance to stand out…blah-dee-blah-dee-blah.

Hm, I sure would stand out if I actually expressed my real self in an essay right now: “Hi, I’m Esther and I am so SMRT…heh…and I, uh, zzzzzZzZZZzzZzzzz.”

Could it be that maybe I’m just a big whiner?  Probably.

Is it scientifically possible that maybe too much sleep is killing off my brain cells?  Hm…probably not.

And should I just not sleep since sleeping and not sleeping have the same effect and I could very well use the time from not sleeping to work on my applications?  Yes, that would be the logical thing to do.

Well, I obviously stayed up long enough to write this entry, so why don’t I go do something productive?  Well, this having been my biggest intellectual output for the week, I am now tired, sore, and ready to pass…out…aga – zzZzzZzZZzZzzzz…


A quote from my high school English teacher’s website that I’ve decided to keep close by as I try to ignore the December grad school deadlines that are looming ahead, as well as the implications that the applications hold over my near and distant future.  Also a timely quote, I’m sure, when one has a 10-page paper to crank out in 8 hours (boy, do I miss school…).

On a related note, I’ve decided to publicize a ballad I wrote back in high school that my favorite English teacher kept all these years.  She recently e-mailed me asking if she could post it on her website as an example for her current students.  Very flattered, I said yes but couldn’t remember what exactly I had written.  Lo and behold, she sent me a copy, and here it is in all its iambic tetra-and-tri-meter-iffic glory for your enjoyment.

[Disclaimer: I am not and have never been unjustly prejudiced against blonds.  Really.]

Evil Cinderella

Those tales of old we know so well
Are not to be believed.
For Cinderella was no saint;
We all have been deceived.

With darling little sisters and
Her mother did she dwell.
The evil Cinderella made
Their lives a living hell.

All day and night she put to them
The tasks she loathed to do,
And most of all, sweet sister Belle
Was bullied without rue.

Now Belle was charming, sweet, and kind,
There was none else so fair.
But Cindy hated especially
Her shiny, golden hair.

And then, one day, a carriage from
The royal palace came;
It bore a royal messenger
Who stood up tall to claim,

“The prince is looking for a wife
And he is going to choose
The lucky blonde that’s capable
Of filling in those shoes.”

When Cinderella heard of this,
She shrieked upon her bed
Because, you see, she was no blonde,
Dark-haired she was instead.

So Cinderella sat at home
And bawled her eyeballs out
While Belle fixed up her golden hair
And gave a gleeful shout.

Belle’s golden curls were bouncing
And a smile was on her face,
As she took off to see the prince,
Dressed in her finest lace.

Poor Cinderella was so mad,
Upon her clothes she tore;
She thought about her awful fate
And hated Bell some more.
And suddenly before her sat
A tiny little man.
While Cinderella blinked in shock
The little man began,

“You’ve freed me from an awful spell;
It kept me trapped for years.
My name is Scam and I am free
Because you shed those tears.

“So tell me what it is you wish;
Your wish is my command.
But pray do mind that I cannot
Do anything too grand.”

Now Cinderella’s eyes lit up;
A perfect plan she had:
The prince would fall in love with her,
And Belle would be so sad.

She loudly screeched to waiting Scam,
“Get up and make me blonde!”
And ‘Twas his duty to obey.
He waved his little wand.

A sizzling noise then filled the air,
And lightening struck her head.
Lo, Cinderella, now a blonde,
Looked at the man and said,

“Now change my face to beautiful
And make a pretty dress,
And horses and a carriage and
Some fancy shoes, no less.”

The man obeyed her every word,
He made her all those things.
He warned the girl, “Be back before
The bell for midnight rings.

“For after midnight I’ll be gone;
I won’t be staying for long.
If you are late, you’ll be exposed,
My magic is not strong.”

“Okay!” she stuck her head out from
The carriage door to yell.
All dressed up in the fairy gear,
She looked as good as Belle.

The royal dance had just begun
When Cinderella came.
Of all the blondes, ‘Twas pretty Belle
Who was the chosen dame.

That is, until the prince looked up
And spotted Cinderella.
One look was all it took for him;
His legs were mozzarella.

They danced the happy night away,
The prince and Cinderella,
The prince was ready to marry the girl,
The poor and stupid fella.

Just then the clock struck midnight, and
It was already time.
So Cinderella turned and ran
As bells began to chime.

The prince called out to her, “Don’t go!”
And Cinderella stopped.
She stared at him in silent shock
Until her jaw just dropped.

She was so shocked: she felt as though
A bomb had smashed her house;
Her charming, handsome prince possessed
A voice like Mickey Mouse!

He followed as she ran again,
This time to run from him.
The bells were finished chiming, and
She was no more so prim.

But, alas, the stupid prince, he just
Continued to pursue.
So Cinderella took one shoe
And hurled it out of the blue.

It hit him with a “Thwack” right on
His handsome little nose,
Yet as he bled, the prince cried out,
“Don’t go away, my rose!”

I’ll spare the rest of the gory tale
And keep it short for you,
Because, you see, the unfortunate prince,
He bled to death, it’s true.

The king and queen got furious,
Their only son had died.
So they set out to find the girl
Who wouldn’t be his bride.

And so with nothing but a shoe,
They searched and finally found
The girl to whom the shoe belonged
And had her cruelly drowned.

But here’s the twist, that girl who drowned
Was not the girl you think.
It was not Cinderella, but
Kind Belle, who had to sink.

The shoe belonged to Belle because
The little man had lied;
Scam could not make a shoe so he
Just grabbed one from the side.

And when they knocked upon the door
As Belle sat down to dine,
Sweet Belle took one look at the shoe
And claimed, “Hey, this is mine!”

‘Tis not a sin to be a blonde,
But this? It brings no laughter.
For wicked Cinderella did
Live happily ever after.

I’ve decided to give my blog a break from those long, wordy entries.  Soooo…we shall have a long, pictorial entry instead. (hey, that’s still progress)
 
Sunny Lemon Star 1

sunny lemon star!

Sunny Lemon Star 2

they look pretty and sound pretty, too

 
Russell!!

this movie & chubby little kids with short legs and a check (chin + neck = check) *^^*

Teacup Pigs

actually, pretty much anything chubby with short legs

The Skinny Doctor Dude

...with the exception of this one, I guess

Hagensboro Truffle Pig

enter new dark chocolate vice (unbelievably found something that trumps Lindt dark chocolate truffles...but only by half a point)

Tastespotting

www.tastespotting.com...mmm...if looking = eating, I'd be morbidly obese by now

Autumn in VA

And finally...autumn. Ahhh...

Needless to say, the months following my mom’s passing have been difficult.  Not a day goes by that we don’t feel the huge, gaping Mom-shaped hole, the painfully missing presence in the house.  But we do our best to get by, to move forward.

I think my dad has it the worst, though.  It was different for him.  It dawned on me at a particular point that wow, he just lost the love of his life.  The one he meant to spend the rest of his life with, enjoying their remaining golden years together while reminiscing their bygone days.  To grow old with and cherish to the end – in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, in joy and in sorrow…

There are days when I get home from work and catch him rubbing his reddened eyes.  There are also moments when he spots something in the house that screams out my mom’s name – a newspaper cutout she stuck on the side of the fridge, a tattered bookmark that fell out of her Bible, a jar in the pantry labeled with her tidy handwriting – and instantly crumbles into hot-eyed melancholy.  Sometimes he calls her name out abruptly just to hear it echoing through the big, empty house.  Empty although the rest of us are here, empty because she’s not.

It actually is kind of gut-wrenching at times.

But we have good days, too.  Days we try to fill with hopefully more than just distractions, with genuine laughter and with hope.  My dad, my brother, and I make an effort to spend time together.  We invite people over, watch movies together, and poke fun at each other.  We know we have to move on, and that means allowing new experiences into our lives and accepting life as it comes.

Eyeing the Tower

Speaking of new experiences, I made the mistake of introducing my dad to Jenga today.  You know, that tower of wooden blocks you keep building up by taking pieces from the bottom?  It was my dad’s first game of Jenga, and the first game of Jenga I’ve ever lost to anyone.  Firsts for both of us, and promises of many more hours of fun to follow.  Man, who knew those big, chubby fingers had such finesse to them?

The next block from the tower came away in my hands, followed shortly by a thunderous crash announcing my defeat.  Ah, there goes my unbroken record.  But somehow, I didn’t mind all that much. :)

This is How I Love You

Look at me.

Look at me.

Does anyone else know your pain like I do?

Can anyone else comfort you the way I can?

Has anyone endured pain greater than yours?

I have. I can. I do.

Because I love you.

And when you ache

And no one knows,

Know that I know;

Know that I ache.

This is how I love you.

So just look at me.

And I will show you.


– God, to Esther on the evening of 10/24/09

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